I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
