I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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