chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
