He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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