everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
