It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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