Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sext me about skeletons
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
