I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
