I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
