she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am midnight drunk by noon
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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