She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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