I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
