I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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