Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
