Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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