remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
