Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
