My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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