Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
