I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
she peed on how many people?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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