I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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