Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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