i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Shame is for Republicans.
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