Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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