Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
