So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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