there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
