Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
