I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
