She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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