my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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