I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
