so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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