Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
