My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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