I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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