His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
