my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
