saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
