the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
