I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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