my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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