So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
