Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
