Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
