I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
