Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
