The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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