Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
