Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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