Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
