it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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