From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
