i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
