I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
