Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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