I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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