I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
