I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
