yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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