Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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