You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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