This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
